So… yesterday was my first meeting with my new oncologist (who did ask how I found her on linkedin). Overall It was positive she feels that with the trachelectomy (still can’t spell it or say it) she is confident she will remove all the shit and hopefully I will not need chemo/radio/bracy, although the scan results aren’t back yet. I think the most stressful and embarrassing thing of the whole meeting was the dreaded ‘internal examination’.
Bearing in mind I had a very invasive operation under general anaesthetic a couple of weeks ago and the remainder of my poor cervix isn’t doing too well at all so an internal examination was not at all welcomed but needs must.
So firstly I had my oncologist, a regular nurse and my Macmillan nurse hold me down on the bed whilst I was screaming ‘I’ve had bigger things in me than this I don’t know why this hurts’, as all of a sudden my vagina recently decided to shut down every time anything tries and enters it. If it could of done that on prom night 10 years ago when I contracted the clap off the prom king I would of been a lot more grateful, but no, my vagina sure does pick its moments.
So after they managed to internally examine me it was time to put my clothes back on as you do. The morning before my appointment I decided to wear a very tricky skirt, it’s an ASOS own brand and does the job and looks very classy but my god the zips are shit! I actually had to put olive oil on the zip (after googling how to fix a broken zip) to even get it up before my appointment and I wouldn’t of dreamed of wearing it if I thought I would be having an internal examination. So you can imagine my embarrassment when the zip wouldn’t go back up after my internal exam. I called my friend the other side of the curtain and she couldn’t do it either, by that point both nurses and the oncologist were also making suggestions to loosen the zip after I told them about the olive oil situation, so the oncologist actually suggested Lube. The same bottle of lubricant that they just used up my vagina was now being spread up the zip of my skirt, my friend was holding the top, two nurses were holding the lubed up zip and the oncologist told us to ‘work as a team’ and was pulling the zip from the bottom.
What I’ve learned from this whole cancer ordeal is DO NOT buy ASOS skirts.